F*ck you-ishness & Peace be with you-ishness: Opposite Paths to Empowerment

Which one is better for you? One? Neither? Both?

F*ck you-ishness

When I was 15 and a sophomore in high school, I transferred to a Catholic school which had recently begun admitting girls after 100 years of boys only. We were the oldest girls at the school and were to be the first to graduate.

It was clear that this decision was not unanimous among the priests in charge, and some were openly hostile to having girls around. Girls excelled academically and joined sports and clubs en masse.

Although I could be kind of a shit at home, I was an engaged student and played softball, was in the school play, edited the newspaper, etc.

Since it was around 1990, and this was an urban school with limited cash, there were probably 3 computers on the entire campus, and I was told to ask the Dean of Students to use his computer to type up the newspaper. I dropped by his office one afternoon on the way to drama practice to see when would be convenient for him.

He took the opportunity to inform me of his thouhgts on my character and abilities. Something along the lines of: “You think you’re so clever and can do so many things but I know you can’t handle it. Just give up.”

I ran from the office in a storm of hurt and rage. Embarrassed tears flowed as I explained what happened to the drama teacher and later to my mom. Both stormed to my defense upon hearing this, and my oscillating hurt and rage settled on rage, along with a clear sense that this was B.S.

I learned fairly early on that the shitty things people do in life, often to kids or those less powerful, are most often a reflection of the brokenness and insecurity inside themselves and don’t have much to do with the receiver of the abuse.

I also learned that other people, even those in positions of authority, do not have some special ability to know me or my potential better than I do.

When feedback arrives, I consider the source and the content. I try to learn from things that are constructive and true, but I do not wholesale hand over control of my self-regard or self-worth to others.

As I look back, I see that this incident planted a seed of what I now call “fuck-you-ishness” in me, which comes in handy when people act like dirtbags for no good reason. I find it relatively easy to chalk up unexplained boorish behavior to things outside my control and toss it in my mental trash can.

Peace be with you-ishness

Forgiveness

It is not all about whether the other person deserves or even wants it. Though that’s important for a relationship to move forward.

It’s equally important for the forgiver. It’s an act of personal power. It frees us from rumination, rage, and justification. When we forgive we are no longer victims. We have decided to move forward and shift our energy toward the new.

“Only through this constant mutual release from what they do can people remain free agents, only by constant willingness to change their minds and start again can they be trusted with so great a power as that to begin something new. Forgiving, in other words, is the only reaction which does not merely re-act but acts anew and unexpectedly, unconditioned by the act which provoked it and therefore freeing from its consequences both the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven. ”— HANNAH ARENDT

One ritual I always loved as a kid in church was the sincere offering of peace to anyone nearby regardless of relationship or history.

We looked each in the eye and said “peace be with you.” In that moment, it felt like shared humanity and brief connection — very simple, no strings attached.

Though forgiveness appears in most world religions, as Hannah Arendt described, it is a wholly human and important act regardless of one’s spiritual beliefs.

Non-judgment

When we forgive others we are free to forgive ourselves. When we allow others room for error and growth we can offer ourselves that same compassion and grace. None of us are perfect.

Sometimes we can forgive and continue the relationship on stronger ground, buoyed by a deeper understanding of one another’s needs and challenges.

Sometimes we can forgive but for our safety or well being we must move on alone.

Either way, we have cleared the way for ourselves to move forward with renewed energy and our dignity intact.

Bottom line — there’s room for and value in both of these in our lives. If used with intention, they both play a roles in nourishing our personal freedom, building compassion, and spurring us to show up in the world authentically.